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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30124479">Brand New Eyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/asahischinhair/pseuds/asahischinhair'>asahischinhair</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Bands, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops &amp; Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Slow Build, Who's to Say, every chapter title is a paramore song, goshiki is a lil depressed, maybe more than a lil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:42:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,693</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30124479</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/asahischinhair/pseuds/asahischinhair</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Goshiki is stuck in a routine and uneventful life, until Koganegawa changes everything.</p><p>In which Goshiki works at a coffee shop and Kogane is in a rock band</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Goshiki Tsutomu &amp; Semi Eita, Goshiki Tsutomu/Koganegawa Kanji, Koganegawa Kanji &amp; Kyoutani Kentarou &amp; Tsukishima Kei, Semi Eita/Tendou Satori</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Brick by Boring Brick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i'm in the middle of another fic right now but this thought came to me and i simply could not stop thinking about it so here this is. i loooove kogagoshi so :]</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Well, make sure to build your heart brick by boring brick, or the wolf's gonna blow it down."</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Goshiki stands behind the counter, watching out the window as pedestrians walk by the small coffee shop, not paying even the hint of a glance to the small hole in the wall cafe. He takes in a deep breath and sighs it out, wiping down the counter with a rag for the umpteenth time. Besides Goshiki and his coworker, Semi, there is one person in the shop. He’s old and he visits every Monday, orders a black coffee, sits in the corner booth, and reads his newspaper. He’s been coming to the small shop dubbed Shiratorizawa for eight months and every time Goshiki sees him, he’s the same. He doesn’t speak unless he asks for his order, which he doesn’t even need to ask for anymore, he has visible bags under his eyes, and the same purple tie he wears always hangs loose around his neck, his tweed jacket and white button up shirt always just a little bit disheveled. </p><p>Much like the old man, Goshiki’s life never changes. His life hasn’t changed for the past two years. He’s stuck in the same job, in the same apartment, the same day repeating. He walks the same streets everyday, the streets that live and change, construction gets worked on, old stores close down and new ones open up. Goshiki wonders how much time Shiratorizawa has left. </p><p>Goshiki is stuck in the familiarity of a rut. The familiarity of a routine that has hammered down the nails into his life. He lives the same day over and over again, his life a record that has no end. He feels like an intruder in the barren studio apartment apartment; he doesn’t feel the warmth of a home underneath the thin suffocating sheets. The coffee mug he reuses every morning has brown stains lining the walls and floor of the inside of the glazed ceramic material; he's given up on washing it, allowing the leftover coffee to seep into every new morning’s fresh cup. The outside world distorts and blurs together into the background as he listens to the same playlist through damaged earphones that only work in the right ear on his short commute to Shiratorizawa. The coffee shop barely gets any attention at all, let alone any customers, and he reads the same books he’s read thousands of times before as he sits behind the counter, counting the days before his boss Ushijima comes in and tells them to start looking for someplace new to work.</p><p>Goshiki often likes to imagine himself in different realities, living a different life, a different routine. Something more exciting, a life where things happen. He likes to imagine working in the bar across the street that is much more busy than Shiratorizawa has ever been. He would have to undergo training, of course, but Goshiki has a feeling he’d make a damn good bartender. He could use his disarming charm that’s never utilized in the rundown coffee shop. Bar-goers would sit and order their drinks and get lost in his smile that drew them in, get flustered from the quick pick-up line and a wink before he left to take another order. Goshiki would naturally glide behind the bar counter and concoct the most lavishly delicious drinks. He’d have his own sort of special signature drink, slapping his name onto the title. He’d offer his signature drink to anyone who may ask for a recommendation. He’d people watch, seeing strangers meet, flirt, go home together. He’d see the businessmen in suits that look just about done with everything, dreading their own routine, dreading their own day they keep reliving. He wonders if there’d be regulars like the old man with the black coffee, and what their usual orders would be. He wonders if they’d be like that old man, only coming for a beer and slouching in the corner, or if they’d be more lively, engaging in conversations with him, telling him stories of wild adventures or lackluster days that drone on.</p><p>As much as he loves to fantasize, Goshiki is fine with his routine. His life was never meant to be exciting, the mundane offers him stability, security. Safety. Mediocrity has become a friend to Goshiki, one he lives with, one he wakes in the same bed with, one he eats dinner with. Mediocrity has sat across from him at the dinner table for two years, taking the place of another. It offers nothing, it gives nothing, it takes nothing, it exists alongside Goshiki and they live together in silence. Routine has settled into his bones, occupying the space of Goshiki’s body alongside him. It takes hold of his limbs, guiding him through his life. Sometimes Goshiki thinks of his life as not his own, but Routine’s, and he’s the one occupying the space.</p><p>Goshiki is fine with living an ordinary, uninteresting, unchanging life. His only connections belong to only those who work with him, and even then he keeps his hold on those strings loose. He knows it’d be easy for him to disappear. To one day vanish into the wind, abandoning Routine and Mediocrity in the apartment. Goshiki wonders if anyone would notice at all.</p><p>“Goshiki!” Semi says, his distant voice giving the tone that this was not the first time he has called out. Goshiki turns around to give his coworker an apologetic look, offering a question in the form of a sound from his throat and the raise of his eyebrows. The other gives a pointed look over Goshiki’s shoulder “We have a customer.”</p><p>Goshiki quickly turns around and is almost blinded by the vibrant presence of a very tall and lanky man, his thin lips quirked up into a smile, his small pupils burning an intense stare into Goshiki. Goshiki has to look away, opting to stare at the man’s forehead instead, focusing on the thick eyebrows that match with the dark brown hairs that shoot up from his hairline into three points, the rest of his hair a blond that frames his face as it spikes down and Goshiki spots dark brown hair jutting out from the back underneath the blond. Goshiki wonders which part of his hair is natural, and which is dyed. </p><p>“I’m so sorry, I must’ve zoned out there. What can I get you?” The man’s smile only grows, and although Goshiki isn’t looking into them, he can see his eyes grow wider with interest, his stare burning hotter into Goshiki’s skull. </p><p>“Oh, don’t worry about it!” He waves off Goshiki’s apology, showing his stainless teeth as his grin grows so wide that Goshiki worries it might stretch all the way to the walls, falling off the man’s face in the process. It falls silent, the man’s stare not dropping for a moment.</p><p>“Um… your order?” Goshiki says after he realizes the other must’ve forgotten, focusing on trying to melt Goshiki’s head with his stare that has not turned away.</p><p>“Oh, right!” He says and shakes his head, his gaze finally leaving Goshiki and instead above his head, reading over the menu. “I’ll get a hot chocolate, please! Oh! Can you put marshmallows in it?” Goshiki huffed out a small laugh at that.</p><p>“No, sorry, we don’t have any.” Goshiki can see the man’s bright expression fall a little in disappointment, his smile fading. Goshiki has the sudden urge to bring back the smile, to see the bright and intense stare again, to have his grin stretch too far for his face, to have the folds in between his furrowed brows to smooth over, to have his eyebrows shoot up tall onto his head. He doesn’t know what it is about him, but Goshiki hates seeing the man unhappy. “Will whipped cream work?” And with that, the man’s smile returns. It’s less aggressive, less intense, but still warm and welcoming. It’s soft, comforting even. When he nods frantically up and down, Goshiki can feel his own lips twitch up involuntarily, and he uses the new order as an excuse to turn around and hide his smile from the customer, avoiding Semi’s gaze that undoubtedly is accompanied by a raised eyebrow. </p><p>“My name!” The customer blurts out loudly, the old man in his corner booth grumbles something under his breath as he shifts his newspaper over to the next page. Goshiki turns around to finally meet the intense stare burning right back at him, the customer’s eyes widened, his torso leaning over the counter just slightly. His pupils are small and a dark brown, almost black, much like his hair, and the stare burns hotter when Goshiki looks directly at it. It feels like laser beams, etching into Goshiki’s head, opening him up to find his brain. Finding composure, Goshiki raises his eyebrows at him.</p><p>“Pardon?”</p><p>“My name! It’s Koganegawa Kanji, though you can just use Kogane.” He says quickly, the words falling out of his mouth and spilling onto the floor behind the counter to puddle and pool around Goshiki’s feet. “Y’know… ‘cause you need my name for the order.” He adds, much more quietly and slower. </p><p>Goshiki takes a look around the shop. “Well, due to our overwhelming amount of customers, it’s a good thing you told me. Who knows who would’ve taken it if I didn’t know what name to call out.” He snarks with a smirk, and Kogane takes a pause, his mouth falling open slightly, before bursting into laughter.</p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p>His laugh is beautiful. It’s loud and disruptive, enrapturing everything in the coffee shop to focus on him. His cackle makes the room brighter, hueing everything into a bright gold shine. His eyes are closed, his head thrown back, one of his hands on his stomach. He seems so free. Goshiki can’t help but stare, watching someone live without anything holding him back. He hasn’t known Kogane for longer than five minutes, but he can paint his life on the blank canvas that’s been shoved into his arms by the short conversation they’ve had. Maybe he lives nearby, in one of the apartments a few blocks down, maybe he has a roommate, living with someone else besides Mediocrity, he’s probably more acquainted with Excitement, who lived in Goshiki’s life once, he thinks. Kogane doesn’t seem shy to new experiences or places, Goshiki is sure he’s stepped into every store at least once, bringing his glow into every threshold he crosses. Judging by the green pullover he wears over a white collared shirt, accompanied by light blue jeans that barely peek out from his view behind the counter, Goshiki guesses he’s been to some of the small shops near Shiratorizawa. The pullover seems new, Goshiki wonders when he bought it. Maybe he bought it just before coming into the shop. Kogane seems too jovial to work a boring nine-to-five job, it seems too dull for him. Maybe he works at the bar across the street. Goshiki wonders if he has his own signature drink with his own name in the title. It’d probably be something like the Kogane Kocktail, and he’d tell people that the cocktail is spelled with a K. There is no way Kogane is lonely like Goshiki. He probably spends every night with his friends, filling every night with the same laugh he wraps Goshiki in. </p><p>Goshiki’s daydreaming fades as Kogane’s head comes back to a normal upright position, his laughter calming and becoming breaths and sighs of small giggles. He touches his knuckle to the corners of his eyes, wiping away the shimmer of tears. With one last sigh, Kogane’s laughter is gone, and Goshiki finds himself missing it, aching to hear it again.</p><p>“Man, you’re funny!” Kogane says with the same wide grin he donned earlier. He pays for the drink, still smiling all the while. “Make sure no one else gets that hot chocolate, okay? I’m gonna go sit down.” </p><p>“I’ll make sure.” Goshiki says, and only upon speaking around it, does he realize that he’s smiling too. Kogane sits at a table far away from the old man, who grips his coffee until his knuckles turn white. Goshiki figures he didn’t appreciate Kogane’s laugh like he himself had. Goshiki turns around to start making the hot chocolate, and finds that he cannot avoid Semi’s quirked eyebrow and pointed look. Goshiki sighs. “What?”</p><p>“Nothing! Just wondering when you were gonna get done with your flirting-”</p><p>“-flirting? What flirting?</p><p>“-and I made the hot chocolate while you stared all googly eyed at… what was his name again? Kage?” Semi’s smirk grows into a mischievous grin as he hands Goshiki the lidded cup of hot chocolate, lacking whipcream. Goshiki moves to his right, his back to Semi, takes off the lid, and puts the cup under the whip cream machine, letting it pile on top to a point.</p><p>“Kogane,” Goshiki mutters “and I was not flirting. Or staring with ‘goggling eyes’ or whatever you said.”</p><p>“I believe the term I used was ‘googly.’” </p><p>“Whatever.” Goshiki moves past Semi and out from behind the counter to where Kogane was sitting, tapping rapidly at his phone underneath the table, his grin still wide and proud. Goshiki wonders if Kogane is texting someone, if someone else is making him smile like that. Kogane looks up from his phone and sets it underneath his lap as Goshiki approaches, setting the hot chocolate in front of him. “Here’s your hot chocolate.”</p><p>“Ah, thank you, Goshiki-kun!” Kogane exclaims, taking a lick out of the whip cream. The way Kogane said Goshiki’s name crawls into Goshiki’s body, attempting to occupy his bones but settles into his veins when it finds Routine’s hold on his skeleton. It flows through Goshiki, moving with his blood, rushing up to heat his face. </p><p>“You know my name?”</p><p>“Hard not to! You wear it on your apron.” Kogane nods towards his nametag. Goshiki lets out a sharp and quick exhale through his mouth.</p><p>“Right, of course. Enjoy your drink.” Goshiki taps the table with his index finger once and starts to head back behind the counter when Kogane bolts up from his seat.</p><p>“Wait!” Goshiki turns back around at Kogane, asking a question in the form of a slight smile with raised eyebrows. Kogane’s phone tings and he grabs it from the seat and groans at the screen. “Um. Crap, okay, um, okay! Okay, I have to go, but um, oh! Gimme that!” Kogane reaches for the sharpie that was tucked into the pocket of his apron, grabs a napkin, and quickly scribbles something on it before shoving it into Goshiki’s hands. “I have to go, but um, text me! Okay, bye!” He says quickly, almost forgetting his hot chocolate before rushing out the door. Through the window, Goshiki can see Kogane take a large sip from the drink and sputter it back out, bringing his body back so the liquid doesn’t stain his clothing. He speaks inaudibly from outside, but Goshiki imagines he just yelps out a quick “hot!” before continuing to rush down the sidewalk. Goshiki looks down at the napkin, a series of numbers written in quick and messy handwriting, Kogane’s name underneath them. He shoves the napkin into his back pocket, closes his eyes, counts his breaths in for five seconds and out for five seconds, and goes back behind the counter. He refuses to meet Semi’s gaze for the rest of the day.</p><p> </p><p>Goshiki doesn’t text Kogane for a week. He almost does a few times, opening a text conversation with the new contact, typing out a message, to then only delete everything he had typed out and tossing his phone away from him with a groan. He hasn’t stopped thinking about Kogane since he met him. The way he had said Goshiki’s name still runs through his veins, swimming inside his blood and warming him every time he thinks about it. Goshiki is not a coward, in fact, he can be quite cocky. He’s never nervous about anything.</p><p>Kogane makes him nervous.</p><p>His laugh rings in Goshiki’s ears and makes his heart thump a little faster. His smile makes a greeting whenever he closes his eyes to sleep, he yearns to see it as he wakes up and lets Routine march him through the day. When he takes his shift at Shiratorizawa and offers coffee to nearly no one, he can only think about Kogane bursting through the door, loudly announcing his presence and blissfully disturbing the nothingness inside the cafe. Every time the bell chimes, Goshiki looks up to expect Kogane. It’s never him. Going further than just saying his name, Kogane himself has made himself a spot inside Goshiki’s body. He jostles Routine to the side, finding an empty space in every crevice. Kogane runs through Goshiki’s blood, he occupies Goshiki’s bones, he tucks himself under Goshiki’s skin, he makes his bed in Goshiki’s mind, falling asleep to his thoughts, watching his memories like a movie. Routine is disturbed, its hold on Goshiki’s skeleton slacking, rendering itself confused. Goshiki cleans his mug, drinks from a different one, he walks to Shiratorizawa without music and observes his surroundings, watching the buzz of the city live. It no longer distorts and blurs and mixes together like paint, it becomes foreground as opposed to background, and Goshiki finds so much in the city he ignores. He sees a cat in an alleyway, black as night with eyes as gold as Kogane’s laugh. He sees couples with intertwined fingers and bumping shoulders. He sees traffic backing up further than he thought it would. He sees the bustling of people going to and from places he’ll never know. He sees the life he lives everyday for the first time through brand new eyes. </p><p>He even goes to the bar across the street one night. Semi invited him through text, as he usually does on Fridays. Goshiki had always declined. Nothing against Semi, he just could never mester up the energy to leave the safety of his apartment to go out and get drunk. He’d rather stay in his bed, Mediocrity keeping him company from a distance and Routine restraining him from moving. When Goshiki replied with an ‘ok’ instead of a ‘sorry, but no. see u tmrw’ he almost regretted his decision. Semi called him as soon as the text had delivered, checking to see if he was okay, if he was sick, and what on earth had he done with his Goshiki. Goshiki had just groaned, rolled his eyes although Semi couldn’t see, and told him he’d see him soon.</p><p>Now here he stands, in front of Karasuno Bar with the ghost of Routine’s clutches telling him to run back home. He takes a deep breath and walks through the door. Immediately, he realizes why the bar gets more attention than Shiratorizawa. It’s dingy, gross, and smells of stale beer, but it’s captivating, alluring, welcoming. People laugh and talk loudly around their cigarettes and drinks, the sound of pool stick against ball occasionally clapping through the air, the television shows a volleyball game, and many patrons are in deep concentration, exclaiming loudly when anything happens. There’s so much happening, and Goshiki wants to indulge in all of it, but it’s all overwhelming. The open arms of the bar expand widely, blocking Goshiki’s sides and they stand tall, looming over Goshiki. Routine finds its clutches. Goshiki turns around. He grabs the door handle, about to push.</p><p>“Goshiki! I see you! No escaping!” A familiar voice calls out, freezing over Goshiki’s will to leave and turns him around. He spots Semi’s stupid smiling face by a pooltable, an arm wrapped around Tendou Satori’s shoulder. Tendou is Semi’s roommate, and that’s all Goshiki knows about him. He’s seen pictures, and he’s been told stories from when he and Semi were still in college, all of them involving drunkenness. Tendou smiles as well, his lips quirk up in a way that’s similar to when Kogane smiled at him, the corners quirking upwards in a way that Goshiki hadn’t thought possible. They both wave him over. Goshiki sighs and aching step by aching step, makes his way to his coworker and his roommate.</p><p>“Hello, Semi.” </p><p>“So glad you could make it, Goshiki. Tendou, this is my coworker Goshiki. Goshiki, this is my boyfriend, Tendou.” The word boyfriend makes Goshiki snap his back slightly. He thought they had just been roommates, close friends. To say he’s surprised is an understatement, considering the fact that Semi has not gushed about how wonderful dating him has been to Goshiki. </p><p>“Nice to meet you, Goshiki-kun! I like your haircut.” Tendou says, slurring his words ever so slightly. Goshiki stands quite a few feet away, but he can smell the alcohol hanging off the other’s breath. The “-kun” added to the end of his name hangs in front of Goshiki, reminding him of the way Kogane had said it a week prior, when his entire being entered Goshiki’s bloodstream. Tendou holds out a long and bony hand in offering for Goshiki, wiping away the memory.</p><p>“Thanks, it’s nice to meet you too, Tendou-san. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Goshiki responds, shaking Tendou’s hand.</p><p>“Oh?” Tendou says, his hand leaving Goshiki’s and snaking its way around Semi’s waist, whom he looks down at with raised eyebrows. “All good things, I hope.”</p><p>“Of course!” Semi starts to say.</p><p>“Not entirely.” Goshiki says at the same time. Semi gives him a glare as Tendou lets out a dramatic gasp, feigning offense. </p><p>“You’re too sober. I’m getting us shots.” Semi says and he disappears from the pool table, which Goshiki now notices is still being set up, an array of balls being formed in a triangle, the white ball isolated on the opposite side. </p><p>“So, how long have you and Semi been together?” Goshiki says, looking up from the pool table to watch Tendou in astonishment as he chugs the beer in his glass.</p><p>“About a month or so,” He says after a burp, slamming his now empty glass onto the wooden edge of the pool table “but I’d been trying to snag him ever since our first year in college, he was just too oblivious to my obvious flirting.”</p><p>Goshiki lets out a laugh as Semi comes back with four shots, balancing two in each hand. “What’s so funny?”</p><p>“Tendou-san was just telling me about how you’re an idiot.”</p><p>“Satori!”</p><p>“What?” Tendou says loudly, holds up his hands in defense. “He’s kidding! Sort of.”</p><p>“Sort of?”</p><p>“Why do you have four shots, Semi?” Goshiki says, derailing the conversation grabbing one of the shots out of his Semi’s hand, who hands him a second.</p><p>“Two of these are for you! You need to catch up.”</p><p>“It’s gonna take a while for me to achieve that feat.” Goshiki muses, nodding towards Tendou, already downing his shot. Him and Semi laugh together, and Goshiki downs his shots too.</p><p> </p><p>Goshiki gets very, very drunk. For the first time in God knows how long, Goshiki forgets about everything. He forgets about Routine and Mediocrity, he forgets about the mundanity of everything he does, he forgets about the fact that Shiratorizawa will surely be closing down soon, he forgets about Kogane. He lets loose, he laughs with Tendou and Semi, he dances with strangers, he flirts. Goshiki lets himself slip out of his life and into a new one like clothes. He lets himself become someone else, someone who isn’t stuck in a rut, who doesn’t feel trapped in the confines of his own life. Eventually in the night, he feels someone else’s mouth on his, too drunk to care who’s. Everything falls out of Goshiki’s body, Routine, Kogane, the way Kogane said his name, it all falls to the floor because whoever’s tongue it is feels amazing against Goshiki’s neck. When they whisper in his ear about getting out of the bar, he doesn’t even think, he just says yes. He doesn’t need to think, he just needs to know more about their tongue.</p><p> </p><p>When Goshiki wakes up, his head throbs and his bones ache. He sits up and Routine frantically rattles him as he looks around, taking a moment to remember that he did not sleep in his own apartment. He looks to his left to see a tanned man with short brown hair and beautiful muscles lying next to him, fast asleep. Goshiki wonders if he should wake him up, at least be considerate and respectful, but his splitting headache and Routine beg him to get out, to just leave, and he does. He finds his clothes scattered on the floor and pulls them all on, making sure he still has his phone, keys, and wallet in the process, and leaves. He walks out of the apartment building and finds his way home using the map app on his phone. Luckily, he lives in walking distance from whoever that was, and he’s able to get home in under ten minutes.</p><p>Walking into the apartment accompanied by Routine and its new enemy Hangover, Goshiki finds Mediocrity waiting for him at the table. Shadows of a familiar presence play at the corners of his vision, disappearing whenever he turns his head to give them attention. Soberness would never let him forget. The emptiness of the apartment toys with him, making him believe something is there when nothing is. Just him, alone. Not even Mediocrity sitting at the table is enough to make Goshiki feel less lonely. </p><p>He goes to the bathroom to fish out painkillers, takes a pill, and sits down across from Mediocrity, slouching into the uncomfortable chair, letting his head rest on his arms that fold on the table. Goshiki had let himself let go, and it felt good in the moment. It felt so incredibly <em> good </em>, but as he settles back into his rut, as he allows today to be a repeat of everyday he’s lived before, he regrets it. Hangover and Routine don’t let him forget the consequences of the previous night. As Goshiki lets out a groan for his aching body, his phone chimes in an usual form of harmony. He groans and takes the phone out of his back pocket, wincing at how bright the screen is. Lowering the brightness, he takes another look at the notification and his body goes cold.</p><p>It’s a text from Kogane.</p><p>Goshiki stares at the unopened notification. Surely it must be a mistake. Surely his eyes were playing tricks on him, surely it was a sick joke plotted by Hangover and Routine. Because there’s no way it’s possible. Goshiki had never texted Kogane, there is absolutely no way for Kogane to know his number, let alone send him a text. Goshiki can feel his heart in his fingertips as he slides open the notification, his body rigid as he opens the text conversation. Goshiki texted Kogane last night. Blackout drunk Goshiki, thoughtless Goshiki sent him a total of ten texts, each losing comprehension more and more.</p><p>&gt; <em> heyyy koganeeeeee its meeee </em></p><p>
  <em> &gt; me is goshkiki btw </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; goshiki tsutomu </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; ohbut i geuss u woudlnt realy knwo my nmae is tsutomu </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; im theguydfrom shiratroziaw </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; shritazoiwa  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; shizowa </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; the coff e shop </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; anywauyd imthinking about u </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &gt; sosorry i didnt txt soonner. iwanted 2. Us care me </em>
</p><p>Goshiki’s heart bursts out from his chest, from his fingertips, and ends up splattered on the walls of his apartment. He thought he had forgotten about Kogane for a night, not texted him in a drunken haze. Goshiki prepares himself before he looks down at Kogane’s message. He wasn’t prepared enough.</p><p> </p><p>&gt; <em> Hey, idk who this is, but I think you have the wrong number. I’m not Kogane. Sry. </em></p><p> </p><p>Goshiki should honestly be relieved. This means Kogane didn’t see him making an embarrassment out of himself, he didn’t have to read Goshiki’s drunk and desperate messages. He didn’t have to deal with Goshiki. Goshiki should be relieved. But his body is surging with dread. Kogane gave him the wrong number. All the bright laughter he brought into the shop that day, all the smiles he sent towards Goshiki, all the words they exchanged, they were nothing to Kogane. Goshiki wants to think that Kogane is better than that, that he wouldn’t tie the string around Goshiki’s wrist and pull him along, only to cut the string right as Goshiki almost reached him. He tells himself that isn’t Kogane, but in reality, he doesn’t know Kogane. Kogane was just a customer, one who passed by for hot chocolate and marshmallows. He doesn’t know anything about Kogane. All of those smiles could’ve been fake, leading into artificial laughter. Goshiki bleeds Kogane out of him. Through the sliver of blood he tastes on his lower lip he hadn’t realized he was biting down on, he bleeds out Kogane. Everything about him leaves Goshiki’s body, allowing Routine to take a stronger grip, giving the pounding of Hangover more wiggle room. Everything about him drains from Goshiki, the way he said Goshiki’s name, his golden laugh, his perfectly white and straight teeth, the way his smile looks similar to Tendou’s, his intense and burning stare, his hair and the unknown of which part of it was dyed, the way his emotions burned hot and intense, the way he lit up the room, the way Goshiki painted a life for him that was so blatantly incorrect, the way he ate the whipped cream before drinking his hot chocolate. Goshiki bleeds it all out, and lets it wash away.</p><p>Goshiki sighs and turns his phone over as it blinks black on its own due to the lack of use. Goshiki gets up and showers, washing away the sweat and grudge from the night before. He slips into bed after a shower that goes until the water is cold, and stares at the ceiling. Tomorrow, he’s going to get up, drink his coffee from the same old mug, listen to the same music, walk the same streets, work the same job, live the same day. Mediocrity lies down next to him, touching its hand to his. He supposes it’s only right that something like this would happen. He allowed himself hope. Hope for change, hope for someone new to enter his life and take it by storm, hope for someone as joyous and larger than life like Kogane to be interested in someone as boring and mundane as Goshiki. He was hopeful and foolish. He could feel the hope rest on top of him like a boulder on a cliff. Goshiki stands tall and the boulder holds strong, but when a light breeze pushes the boulder over the edge, Goshiki looks just a little less taller than he did before. </p><p>Two weeks pass. Goshiki relives his day over and over again, the shadow of Kogane still plagues his veins, but he does what he can to ignore it. He goes to the bar two more times, both on Friday like the first time had gone, both with Semi and Tendou, both ending the night with someone else. Goshiki did not get as hammered as he did the first time he went to the bar with Semi and Tendou, but he got drunk. Drunk enough to forget. Routine begrudgingly accepted the nights, making room in Goshiki’s body for Hangover every morning after. Goshiki was having fun. He likes spending time with Semi and Tendou, and has been getting closer to them as the days go on. He’s thankful for them, really. They’ve been showing him how to live. But he still feels stuck in a rut. He starts to accept it’s inescapable, the feeling of numbness. And he lives on. Day by day, he lives on. </p><p>On Monday, Goshiki hands the old man his coffee, who bows his head in thanks and moves to his corner. Goshiki slumps into one of the plastic chairs Semi had brought in about six months ago, something about being tired of being on his feet all day doing nothing. He grabs his book from the counter, a book he’s read three times already, and flips open to where he marked his spot by folding the corner of a page. He looks at the words but doesn’t read them. They all vibrate and move in his vision, incomprehensible. He sighs and shuts the book again, daring to look at the clock. He still has another five hours until he’s let off.</p><p>Goshiki doesn’t hate his job, he doesn’t dread going to work, he finds the walls of Shiratorizawa comforting. Going to work gives him something to do, but sometimes not even Routine can get him out of bed. It was a miracle Goshiki went to work, even though he was thirty minutes late. Some days, Goshiki cannot find the strength to release himself from his sheets, staying in bed all day with Mediocrity to stare at the ceiling, thoughtless. Routine sleeps on these days, letting vines grow around Goshiki’s limbs, sucking him deeper into the earth. Moss and fungus grow on Goshiki’s skin, on his arms and legs. Weeds sprout in the dips of his body, where his collarbone curves inward, the small dip in the center of his chest, the gaps in his ribs you can see through his skin. Goshiki becomes an unkempt garden, a forest floor, a walking ground. Unmoving, unthinking, unliving.</p><p> The only reason Goshiki was able to get out of bed this morning was because of a text from Semi, telling him he had important news to share. Goshiki had asked why he couldn’t just text the news, but Semi hadn’t responded to that. So now he sits, waiting for the day to be over. He turns over to look at Semi, sitting in the other plastic chair, tapping away at his phone.</p><p>“So, when are you going to tell me what it was that you wanted to talk about?” Goshiki says, trying his best to breathe emotion into his words and take out the monotonous tone he was feeling.</p><p>“Soon, Satori has to be here.” Semi responds without looking up, still typing on his phone, oblivious to Goshiki's forced tone. Good.</p><p>“Tendou-san is coming?”</p><p>“Yeah, he should be here in, like, fifteen minutes.”</p><p>“Don’t tell me you’re getting hitched after dating the guy for a month.” Goshiki mocks, trying his best to get a laugh out, though it comes out dryly. Semi laughs as well, his more authentic.</p><p>“No, no, nothing like that.” He says, waving his hand. The conversation ends there and Goshiki looks back at the clock. Not even five minutes has passed since he last checked. Time always moves agonizingly slow whenever he wants it to speed up.</p><p>Goshiki leans back into his chair with a sigh, looking up towards the fluorescent lights above him. They flicker every now and then, blinking mockingly down at him. The lights cast a melodramatic scene over the shop this morning, blanketing everything in a gloom. Goshiki wonders if he can get away with closing his eyes for just a few moments, letting sleep slowly take over him. It’s not like they have any customers, nothing is happening. It’s unlikely Ushijima will stop by, he hasn’t been there in weeks. Goshiki lets his eyes flicker shut, leaning even further back in the uncomfortable plastic chair. The black from behind his eyelids encompass him, taking over his entire self. Goshiki lets himself turn dark, a lightswitch flipping off as he rests. He walked the day as a flickering light like the one above him, struggling to illuminate. Letting himself turn off for just a few moments, he lets out a sigh of relief. But of course, good things can’t last forever. The door to the shop slams, the bell rings ferociously.</p><p>“I’m here!” The familiar playful tone of Tendou’s voice rings through the shop, dragging out the last syllable. Goshiki straightens up and opens his eyes, which immediately widen upon seeing Tendou. His usually spiked fluffy hair is gone, replaced now with a thin and close buzzcut that still hues red. “Whaddya think?</p><p>“Oh my god, you actually did it!” Semi laughs to the side of Goshiki, walking out from behind the counter to rub Tendou’s now nearly bald head.</p><p>“Of course I did! You know I’m not one to back down from a challenge.” Tendou says smugly, lifting his chin high. “So, what do you think, Semi Semi?” He repeats, sending questioning eyes towards his boyfriend.</p><p>“I love it,” Semi says with another chuckle, kissing the top of Tendou’s head.</p><p>“Thank god, I was worried I lost my beautiful locks for nothing.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, <em> what? </em>” Goshiki finally interjects, one short and quick laugh escapes his mouth, thankfully less forceful than the one he had let out earlier. Still not quite purely authentic, but it still feels natural. As close as natural as it can get.</p><p>“Tendou here bet his hair on a pool game we played after you made your departure on Friday,” Semi says with a smirk “he bet his hair, I bet a tattoo.”</p><p>“A haircut versus a permanent tattoo feels a bit unfair, don’t you think?” Goshiki crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow at the couple.</p><p>“You underestimate how Tendou feels about his hair,” Semi snickers “or should I say, <em> felt </em>about his hair.”</p><p>“It’s true, my hair was my baby, but I don’t know! I’m kind of digging this look. Besides, it makes showers much easier.”</p><p>“I’m just gonna miss tugging on it as you go do-”</p><p>“Nope! Enough of that! We have a customer! And I’m here as well! I assure you neither of us want to hear that!” Goshiki interrupts while having his hands. The old man in the corner grumbles something that Goshiki assumes is of thanks. “Now, what was it that had to wait until Tendou got here?”</p><p>“Right, right!” Semi walks over back behind the counter, already fixing up Tendou’s regular order of iced tea as he rests his elbows on the other side of the counter. Goshiki can’t help but stare at his shaved head. It’ll take some getting used to, to say the least. “We wanted to invite you to our concert!”</p><p>“Your concert?”</p><p>“Well, sort of. There’s a Battle of the Bands event happening at the Aoba Johsai venue a few blocks down Saturday night, and we want you to come and support us.” Tendou clarifies, resting his chin over interlocked fingers. Goshiki knew Semi and Tendou were in a band with another member, Reon Ohira, but he had never seen them perform. He didn’t think much of it, thought music was just more of a mindless hobby for Semi to do in his freetime. The thought of going out at all, thrown into a crowd of sweaty bodies and music pounding in his ears sounded the least bit appealing. </p><p>“I don’t know…”</p><p>“What Satori <em> meant </em> to say,” Semi interrupts “is that you are coming to support us and if you try to back out, I <em> will </em>go to your apartment and drag you out of bed.” Semi says without a drip of sarcasm, staring at Goshiki dead on. Goshiki searches his eyes, looking for a hint of insincerity. He found nothing.</p><p>“You’re serious aren’t you?”</p><p>“Dead serious. I know where you live.” Semi deadpans</p><p>“... Fine.” Goshiki says after a long pause and a sigh. The other two let out celebratory whoops and clap their hands together. </p><p>“I’ll send you the details, be there by seven o’clock.” Semi says, and Goshiki sighs in response, opening his book again and staring at the words again. The clock ticks and ticks slowly, and he has to fight every urge to look at it again, knowing it would only disappoint him. Semi and Tendou’s conversation turns into static as Goshiki blinks dark again, staring at the words on the page that glare up at him, undecipherable as they become all but scribbles and lines. </p><p>Goshiki’s shift finally ends and he spends the rest of the day curled up in a ball in his bed. He stares at the wall that holds a painting he can’t remember buying. He wonders what he thought about when he bought it, if he liked the way there were no real shapes, just colors swirling together. He wonders what emotions were evoked as he saw it for the first time, if it drew anything out of him. He wonders what brought him to buy it, if he was intrigued by the abstract design, if he thought it would go well in his apartment by clashing with the muted and dull colors. The painting is a swirl of oranges and pinks and reds, coming together to create a sunset sort of feel. The oranges blend into reds which blend into pinks which blend back into the oranges. Staring at it makes Goshiki feel hypnotized, he gets lost in the spirals and swirls and circles and curves. The last thing he sees before falling into a deep sleep is the painting along with the shadows of a presence that was once there. Goshiki wonders if they bought the painting together.</p><p>On Saturday night, Goshiki finds himself dreading the concert a little less than he did before. He’s never seen Semi perform after all this time knowing him, and he can’t bring himself to say he’s not intrigued. Goshiki arrives at Aoba Johsai’s concert venue at seven o’clock on the dot. When he walks through the door, he finds himself a little overwhelmed by the noise. Much louder and more lively than the scene at Karasuno, which Goshiki didn’t know was possible. People mingle around and maneuver their ways through the crowd that pools in front of the small stage, some sit at the bar that’s off to the side, out of the way, and others hang on the sidelines, observing everyone else. Semi and Tendou are somewhere backstage, preparing to go on, leaving Goshiki alone until they are done with their performance. Goshiki feels out of place. Like a book turned around to show the pages instead of the spine, like an intruder in someone’s home. He thought he was used to bar scenes by now, used to the noise and business of it all. He thought he was prepared for this. Goshiki wonders if people are staring at him, if they saw him walk in and now can’t pull their gaze away, silently judging him. He wonders if the outfit he’s wearing is nice, if people are seeing it and thinking about the mess he is. He wonders if people are eyeing his bowlcut and laughing at it, it doesn’t help that as soon as he thinks that, he hears cackling. The laughter sifts through the crowd and hammers at his ears, the white noise of conversation shrouds his entire body and Routine surges his body, begging him to leave. He wonders if people are whispering about him, if people notice how out of place he is, if they see him and think wow what a wreck, if—</p><p>“What’s your poison?” Goshiki’s thoughts are interrupted as he realizes he now sits at the bar, looking up to see a man with brown hair that swoops with cowlicks, a dazzling gleam in his eye with a smile that could kill. He seems dangerous. Goshiki is put on edge.</p><p>“Uh, just a… I don’t know. What do you recommend?” Goshiki mumbles, and the bartender offers him a wink and fills him a glass to the brim, sliding it towards Goshiki who mumbles a thanks in return.</p><p>“I’m glad you said that, say hello to my masterpiece. I call it the Tooruquilla, named after yours truly.” The bartender lifts his chin up with a prideful smirk. Goshiki gapes at him for a moment before chuckling softly and taking a sip from the “Tooruquilla” letting out a satisfied sigh at the taste, which makes the bartender’s smirk grow into a grin. “So, you here for the concert?” The bartender says as he cleans the inside of a glass with a rag.</p><p>“Uh, yeah. My friends are performing tonight.” </p><p>“Oh, really? What’s the name of their band?” He puts the glass behind the counter once he’s done drying it off and rests his elbows on the counter, his chin in his palms. </p><p>“Huh. I don’t know.” Goshiki says after a moment to think. He realizes he never asked Semi the name of the band, and an unexpected guilt falls from his throat to his stomach like a rock. What kind of friend was he? He didn’t even know the name of the band that his closest friends were in, his only friends were in. The bartender blinks at him once before letting out a melodic laugh.</p><p>“You don’t know?” He says in between laughter and then reaches underneath the counter, pulling out a sheet of paper. “Who’re your friends?”</p><p>“Semi Eita and Tendou Satori.” Goshiki responds and the bartender’s eyes travel over the page, darting his eyes up and down and stopping abruptly.</p><p>“Ah, here they are,” he turns the paper towards Goshiki and taps his finger on a line of text towards the top “you’re friends are the Swan Dives. They’ll go on second after the Sendai Frogs.” </p><p>“The Swan Dives… that sounds much more graceful than their personalities.” Goshiki says and the bartender lets out another chuckle.</p><p>“You’re funny, kid, I like you.” He says and the compliment launches Goshiki back a few weeks to meeting Kogane. The way he had laughed and said the same thing to him. Goshiki blinks at the bartender, and figures he has a burning stare too. Softer than Kogane’s, but somehow even more threatening. “What’s your name?” The question shakes the thoughts of Kogane out of Goshiki’s head, letting them tumble out of his ears and scatter among the floor like lost LEGO pieces.</p><p>“Goshiki Tsutomu, it’s nice to meet you.”</p><p>“Oikawa Tooru, it’s a pleasure to meet you as well, Tsu-chan.” The use of Goshiki’s given name makes his eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and Oikawa just smirks. Goshiki sighs noiselessly and takes a sip of his drink, somehow feeling more relaxed in the company of the intimidating bartender who moves away to take someone else’s order. Goshiki watches Oikawa, entranced by the way he moves. He gives off this aura, like this sort of thing is natural to him. He smiles and winks and subtly flirts with the people who sit at the counter, offering a beautiful laugh on occasion. Goshiki can only watch him in awe, envious of the life he seems to live so freely. He lives the life that Goshiki has fantasized time and time again, he’s everything Goshiki has wanted to be. He’s carefree, he’s charming, alluring. Goshiki smiles to himself, taking another sip of his drink.</p><p>He turns his gaze towards the stage where people in black clothing set up instruments and a microphone stand. Any minute, they’ll rush off and the venue will go black and the first act will begin, a band called Sendai Frogs. Goshiki chuckles to himself thinking about the name and how usual it is for a band, and also wondering how many other bands have named themselves after animals, much like his own friends have.</p><p>Goshiki turns himself back to the counter, peering down into his drink, the Tooruquilla. Watching the clear liquid slide in the glass as he moves it around<em> , </em> Goshiki brings the glass to his lips, chugging the rest of it down, wincing at the burn. The thoughts of people watching him have been pushed to the side, occupying no space in his mind anymore. No one here cares about him, and that thought is isolating yet relieving. Maybe Oikawa cares. He took time to learn Goshiki’s name after all, and even referred to him with his given name. Goshiki figures he’s not too bad. </p><p>The bar goes dark, Goshiki can barely make out the figures in front of him, and the bar erupts into cheers. A single chord of an electric guitar rings out amongst the crowd and people <em> scream </em> . Goshiki turns his body around on the stool to face the stage which still remains dark. Another chord sends vibrations into Goshiki’s chest, and when it dies down, the sound of drumsticks clacking together sounds three times and the stage lights up. Goshiki’s body goes rigid. The screams of the crowd disappear as the floor of the venue crumbles and falls, creating a deep ravine between Goshiki and the stage. Everything vanishes, leaving only Goshiki in his stool and the band. His blood rushes with a familiar feeling, Routine clutches Goshiki’s bones, ready to get up and run away and never look back and to just <em> leave. </em> </p><p>Because there front and center, standing at the microphone stand, hands on an electric green guitar, intense stare burning into the crowd, smirking down a smile, is Koganegawa Kanji.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Ignorance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Don't wanna hear your sad songs, I don't wanna feel your pain."</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Goshiki doesn’t know what to do. He can barely move, barely breathe. He blinks once, twice, three times, hoping that maybe when he opens his eyes, it would all go away. But it doesn’t. And he knew it wouldn’t. Kogane still stands on that stage, piercing eyes and all. The other band members vaguely register in Goshiki’s brain, two other blond men, but he didn’t care about them. He just cannot wrap his head around what he’s seeing, what he’s hearing. Kogane plays the guitar methodically yet so wild at the same time, every sporadic movement he makes has purpose. His body sways and rocks with the music, every fiber of him becoming one with the song. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s beautiful. He wears a leather jacket with spikes on the shoulders that match the spiked collar around his neck. Underneath the jacket is… nothing. Kogane is definitely shirtless underneath the partly buttoned up leather and Goshiki finds himself staring at the glimpses of bare chest he catches every so often, when the leather folds in a particular way, when the guitar moves slightly. He can almost see the individual sweat droplets that ride down from his neck and out of sight to the middle of his chest, and he wonders if he were up closer if he could follow them all the way down  his skin that popped out of the unbuttoned bottom of the jacket that was shielded by the guitar more often than not. Goshiki has to shake himself to focus back up to his face, when he notices the piercings that line his ears. He’s not sure how he missed them before, the two hoops on each lobe, the industrial piercing on his right ear, the rest of his cartilage lined with small shimmering studs. This is nothing like the Kogane he had met before. He really doesn’t know anything about Kogane at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bass and drums fuse with the guitar almost perfectly, the music transcending the small venue. The drums are heavy and loud, they burn with intensity, creating cracks in the stage that reach up to the ceiling. Goshiki is finally able to turn his perplexed stare away from Kogane to the left to find the guy on the drums. His hair is shaved to a yellow peach fuzz with two black streaks on each side. There’s messy eyeliner smudged on his eyes and his entire being burns hot with the same intensity as the drums. He aggressively slams his drumsticks into the drums, his forehead gleams with sweat. He seems almost angry. The bassist to the right is the complete opposite, his face is lax and his hands move over the strings carefully. He doesn’t move a lot, staying in one place as he focuses on the music. He almost looks bored. The stage lighting reflects in his glasses that start sliding down his face and Goshiki is pretty far away from the stage, but he swears he can see the bassist’s eyebrow twitch. After watching the bassist for decidedly enough time, Goshiki turns his back to the stage. He focuses down at his empty glass, willing it to fill again. Goshiki looks up to Oikawa who sways lightly to the music, his head bobbing in rhythm with the melody, a smile appearing ever so slightly on his lips. Goshiki opens his mouth to ask for a refill when it happens. Goshiki’s jaw slaps shut and his teeth clench together. The grip on his glass so tight it might break. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Goshiki’s breath is stolen from him by Kogane’s voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first note carries out through the venue delicately amongst the mayhem of loud instrumentals, but it’s a bullet in Goshiki’s spine. He doesn’t want to hear this, but he wants to, needs to. He wants to run, he wants to hide, he wants to run all the way back to his apartment and never look back, he doesn’t want to hear this. He wants to stay, he wants to let Kogane’s voice find its place in his bloodstream again, he wants to see Kogane’s face as he sings, he wants everything else in the world to go away so it’s just him and Kogane, him and Kogane’s voice. He forces himself to turn around in his stool, watching Kogane with wide eyes as he sings something sad yet cheerful, determined yet hopeless. His voice rips through Goshiki’s body, pulling open the bullet wound it had inflicted by the first note and rids him of his skin and bones, leaving only the ghost of Routine in his wake. Kogane’s eyes slip shut as his soft voice slowly crescendos as the drums speed in pace in tune with the bass and guitar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane opens his eyes for a moment, right where Goshiki is sitting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane’s eyes seem to soften as they lock onto Goshiki and he’s ripped open even more. Something courses through Goshiki as all he can do is sit there and stare, something sinister and sweet, something that makes him want. Kogane is standing there on stage and he’s staring. They stare at each other for a century, for a moment, for forever, for no time at all before he looks down at the neck of his guitar, making sure to place his fingers in the right places. Goshiki’s gaze stays fixed on his hands, he works the guitar like it’s all he’s ever done, like it’s all he’ll ever do. He watches his hands, wondering what it’s like to touch them. He wonders if they’re soft or if the years (years? Months? Weeks? How long has Kogane been playing music?) of guitar playing has made his hands turn rough. He wonders what it’s like to fill in the gaps of his fingers, to interlock their hands and walk down an empty street. He wonders what it’s like to feel Kogane’s hand against his skin, trailing his features along his face, dipping to his jaw and—</span>
</p><p>
  <span> He snaps his head down to his lap, remembering the reality of his situation. The guy who gave him a fake number is performing. The guy Goshiki had fantasized about learning more about and letting him enter his life. Not even his beautiful, weaponizing voice or his delicate, beautiful, yet rough, stiff, </span>
  <em>
    <span>large </span>
  </em>
  <span>hands can take Goshiki’s thoughts away from the unchanging fact that he had been fooled, tricked, and stringed along. He shakes his head as he starts to think that he’d be fine with that string being tied again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A tap on his shoulder makes him turn around, coming face to face with Oikawa grinning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re great aren’t they?” He says loudly, leaning over the counter to nearly yell in Goshiki’s ear over the music and crowd. Goshiki just offers a simple nod in response, which Oikawa seems satisfied with. He leans back behind the counter, looking down at Goshiki’s empty glass, pointing at it with a cocked brow. It’s like he read Goshiki’s mind. Nodding and pushing his glass forward, Goshiki lets out an exasperated sigh. Oikawa makes quick work with filling his glass and Goshiki makes quicker work with finishing it. Holding up a finger as soon as he’s done to ask for another refill. Oikawa doesn’t say anything but gives him an amused look that masks the concern in his eyes. Goshiki must be drunk already. He only just met Oikawa, Oikawa was just a bartender, Goshiki was just a customer. There’s no way he was concerned for Goshiki, because why would he be? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Sendai Frogs play through a few more songs, and Goshiki tries his best to push down the slight disappointment that bubbles in his throat when Kogane doesn’t offer another glance in his direction. He’s not disappointed. He’s not even the slightest bit disappointed. He’s just had far too many Tooruquillas because why on earth would he be disappointed that the guy who played him didn’t look in his direction?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he's a little disappointed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you guys so much!” Kogane says breathlessly into the microphone, his voice dripping with fun filled exhaustion. “You guys have been a great crowd! Your next band will be out in just a few minutes so let’s give them a round of applause!” The crowd erupts into cheers again and even Goshiki offers his own claps to blend into the sound. Kogane offers one last smile and a wave and he walks offstage behind a curtain. Goshiki lets out a long breath and turns back to the bar once again, meeting face to face with Oikawa, who rests his chin in his palms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Goshiki says and even he can hear how slightly slurred his speech has become.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, nothing,” Oikawa says, waving his hand “I was just watching you stare at Kanji-chan.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was not staring.” Goshiki says, lying through his teeth. He knew he was staring at Kogane, but how did Oikawa know that? He had his back turned to the bartender whenever he was looking at the band. Oikawa was far too observant. “Can I have another?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were. And, sure, but soon enough I’m gonna start cutting you off.” Oikawa takes his glass and fills it again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why would you do that?” Goshiki says, his lips close to the rim of the glass. “I’m a paying customer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re friends now, Tsu-chan, and I look after my friends when I think they’re being stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would hardly call us friends.” Goshiki says after downing yet another drink. He stares deadpan at Oikawa who just wears that same charming smile with the glint of mischief in his eye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ouch, Tsu-chan! Mean!” Oikawa says, pressing his hand to his heart, looking at Goshiki with his mouth agape. Goshiki just shakes his head and snorts. “And here I thought we were getting along so well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just met, Oikawa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you saying you don’t find my lavish charm irresistible?” Oikawa tilts his head down to look up at Goshiki through his fluttering eyelashes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are unbelievable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you are smitten over little Kanji-chan.” Oikawa says suddenly, smirking when Goshiki’s eyes widen in shock. He takes note of Oikawa calling Kogane “Kanji-chan,” duly noting the use of his first name, although that doesn’t come as much of a shock, he was already calling Goshiki “Tsu-chan” after knowing him for less than an hour. Goshiki wonders how well Oikawa and Kogane know each other, how close they are, how much Oikawa knows about him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Goshiki opens his mouth to protest in response, Semi’s voice coming from the speaker draws his attention away from the smug expression plastered on Oikawa’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, everyone! We’re the Swan Dives. Hope you enjoy the show.” Semi says and Goshiki notices how nervous he is, his rushed and frantic speech evident of that fact enough. He rolls his head around, trying to crack his neck, a sign that Goshiki has picked up after knowing the man long enough to know that he was definitely getting antsy. Goshiki wonders when he started to notice the nervous habit and if his friend notices any of Goshiki’s own habits as well. Goshiki wonders if Semi is his best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The band starts playing and Goshiki lets himself sway to the music. The band is good, the music flows together well and Semi’s nervousness seemingly melts away, his overwhelming stage presence taking over as he becomes one with the music. A not so fleeting thought crosses Goshiki’s mind, twinging his gut with a dose of guilt. They’re not nearly as good as Kogane.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Semi’s voice is beautiful and works well with the upbeat tone of the song, but it’s not enchanting like Kogane’s. Kogane’s voice was like a raindrop on a rose petal that was surrounded by flames and Goshiki nearly gags at his own metaphor. But it was true, the clashing of Kogane’s soothing, beautifully tragic voice clashed against the loud and destructive music the band played, creating an unlikely perfect harmony between the two. Semi’s voice fit his band like a glove, matching in tune with the chords that were plucked and struck by the guitars and drums, but it wasn’t nearly as exhilarating as the Sendai Frogs. Goshiki has to snap himself out of his thoughts about Kogane and his band. He’s proud of Semi and Tendou, they’re playing amazingly, and he’s glad he can finally see them perform (but he can’t help but miss the presence of Kogane on the stage. Semi was an amazing performer with excellent stage presence, but the way Kogane demanded attention, refusing anyone who dared to try and rip their focus from him, was addictive. Semi shines, but compared to Kogane, he just flickers.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Out of the corner of his eye, Goshiki sees a flash of blond. He turns his head to see Kogane, accompanied by his drummer walking out from behind a door that says “EMPLOYEES ONLY” in big white letters, presumably a sort of backstage or lounge for the bands to occupy while they’re not on stage. Goshiki realizes quickly that they’re heading towards the bar. Goshiki’s leg turns to lead as they approach closer and he curses his body for freezing momentarily. Goshiki turns his focus back to Semi who dances near Tendou’s microphone, both of them singing into it, looking at each other. Gross. But cute. As soon as he can feel someone next to him, Goshiki tears himself out of his stool and begrudgingly heads towards the crowd as fast he can. He’s going to hate this. He’s going to regret this very decision in just a few moments, he knows, but he cannot be anywhere near Kogane right now. At the edge of the mosh pit, he feels a light grip on his arm, soft, delicate, damp with sweat, maybe the tiniest bit rough, but it’s gone as Goshiki submerges himself into the crowd.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Goshiki was right. He hates this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The crowd is wild and careless, thrashing and crashing into each other with no thoughts to anything around them. Goshiki lightly sways on his feet, trying to not get completely tousled by the crowd, which is barely effective. Someone crashes into Goshiki’s back and he lurches forward, stumbling into a strong back, his head knocking against his shoulder. He doesn’t have much time to react before he’s jostled to the side, only to be pushed back by another shoulder. The music pumped through the floor and he could feel it traveling from his toes to vibrate through his entire being. Semi’s voice becomes gibberish as everything morphs together into blaring white noise, the cheering of the crowd, the light conversations, the pulse of the music, the ringing in his ears. Everything blurs together and Goshiki has a realization that he is drunk. Way too drunk to be in a crowd like this. The haze of the alcohol makes everything blur and heighten and mute and amplify and the walls close in and expand, the floor becomes a ravine again and he is struggling to stay afloat. Breathing is no longer second nature, it’s heavy and he has to focus on it to keep it steady, but how can he when everything is crashing into him like a truck? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A familiar rough and feathery touch wraps itself around Goshikis forearm and he’s being pulled out of the crowd. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor, not really registering what’s happening. His body sways involuntarily and his head is spinning. A gust of wind hits him in the face and when he finally looks up, he’s greeted by the dark of night, of street lights and cars. And Kogane, his intense burning gaze drenched with worry as he looks at Goshiki.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>About an hour earlier…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane has electricity in his veins, circuiting through him like he was wires. He bounces on the heels of his feet and shakes out his arms, unable to hold back the grin as he prepares to go on stage. Kogane loves performing. He loves how cool he looks when he plays his guitar, he loves the roar of a crowd, he loves singing, he loves the feeling of too bright spotlights shining down on him, he loves the adrenaline he felt whenever he stepped foot on stage. Kogane loves performing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His grin is uncontained with a high chin as he walks past the other bands to meet up with his bandmates closer towards the curtain. Being the first band to perform is nerve wracking yet exhilarating, it’s setting the tone for the entire night. It’s setting the bar for the entire night, setting up expectations for every band to follow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, do I know you?” Kogane hears to his right, with a glance over he sees someone somewhat familiar with ash blond hair and dyed black tips, his head is tilted with the question, his brows furrowed like he’s trying to remember something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, maybe!” Kogane says, turning to look at him. He wears a jacket with a soft collar over a basic gray tee shirt, a cross necklace dangling from his neck. Kogane studies his face more, and he definitely does look familiar, his filled eyebrows are sharp and his eyes are soft yet somewhat intimidating, his lips are scrunched up as he studies Kogane’s face back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” he says, drawing out the word, realization in his voice “you’re that guy who came into the shop a few weeks back! The guy Goshiki was flirting with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane’s eyes widen as his lips grow into a wide shocked grin and he blinks a few times. It dawns on Kogane that this guy is from Shiratorizawa, the coffee place Kogane has been to a couple of times. The place he met Goshiki. Where he gave Goshiki his number, but never ever got a call back. The thought makes Kogane frown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I don’t know if he was flirting,” Kogane says with a chuckle, rubbing the back of his head “but, I’m Koganegawa! You can just call me Kogane, I’m the lead singer and guitarist of the Sendai Frogs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, please, you were both flirting and you know it,” the guy says with a pointed look and smug grin “and I’m Semi, lead singer and guitarist of Swan Dives.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Semi holds out his hand for Kogane to shake, which he does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is he by the way?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?” Semi responds with a hum as they pull their hands away and he shoves both his hands into his jacket pocket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goshiki-kun, I haven’t heard from him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um…” Semi trails off, clearly biting the inside of his mouth. Kogane starts to worry. “Well, it’s kinda hard to tell with him to be honest, but he seems to be doing alright. He’s here tonight, actually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane takes in a deep and sharp inhale. Goshiki is here. He’s somewhere in the crowd. He’s here. Kogane wants to see him, to see why he never texted or called. Millions of thoughts and ideas have popped into his head over the past few weeks as to why Goshiki never contacted him. Maybe he was nervous, maybe he lost his phone, maybe he lost the napkin, maybe he read the number wrong, maybe he just didn’t like Kogane. Kogane hates thinking about that last point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, cool!” Kogane brings himself to say to shake himself out of his over concerning thoughts over why Goshiki never texted him (maybe he didn’t like Kogane, maybe he was annoyed, maybe he was just being polite, maybe-) </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well, you’re on first, so I’ll let you go.” Semi says, his face unreadable as he looks straight into Kogane’s eyes. Intense eye contact is no stranger to Kogane, but something about Semi staring into Kogane makes him feel uneasy. He seems almost disapproving. “Good luck.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane says his thanks with a bow and starts walking again, Semi’s words stretching over Kogane’s mind like wet glue, sticking to the walls. Kogane wonders what Semi had meant by saying it’s hard to tell with Goshiki if he’s okay. Kogane’s curiosity only grows, concern right there along with it. He barely even knows Goshiki, but he can’t help but want to help somehow, even if he’s unaware if anything is wrong at all. He can’t even begin to decipher what Semi might have meant upon approaching his bandmates, one of them letting out a heavy sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kogane, put on a shirt.” Tsukishima says, looking at his unbuttoned leather jacket with a quirked brow. Kogane cackles at Tsukishima’s expression, throwing his head back, his thoughts of Goshiki pushed to the side for the time being. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No way!” Kogane says once he sobered down from the laughter “The fans love to see my abs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, they don’t.” Kyoutani scoffs from behind him. “You don’t even have any.” Kogane turns around and gasps in mock offense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ken-chan! How could you say things like that?” He says, putting his hand over his heart (which he ignores is increasing in pace as the clock ticks away, getting closer and closer to when he and his bandmates are set to go onstage). “Wait, are you saying I don’t have abs or fans?” He adds after a moment, squinting and pointing a finger dangerously close in Kyoutani’s biting range.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that?” Kyoutani growls and swats Kogane’s finger away, the question going completely ignored. Kogane smirks, knowing the man didn’t hate it as much as he let on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You love it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you do!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tsukki, back me up here?” Kogane turns his head over his shoulder to Tsukishima, who only gives him a deadpan stare in return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you really think I’m on your side here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, whatever! You guys love my nicknames.” Kogane grins widely, pulling his friends to his sides, wrapping his arms around both of their shoulders in tight side hugs. Kyoutani groans and Kogane knows that Tsukishima is rolling his eyes without even having to look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane is beyond grateful for his bandmates. They act cold, of course, but that’s in their nature. They’re great friends who got him through many setbacks in his life. Kyoutani acts like some tough guy who’s aggressive and mean, but as his best friend, Kogane can see right through him to his soft side underneath the cold exterior. Kyoutani would never admit it to anyone else, but he goes to Kogane for advice often, about love, about life, about music, about anything, really. Kogane has always been glad to help, to uplift his friend. And in return, Kogane has gone to Kyoutani whenever he needs anything as well. A shoulder to lean on, a place to stay, a hug, a listening ear. Kyoutani doesn’t know what to say to comfort Kogane all the time, he’s rather awkward when it comes to social interaction, but his actions alone were enough. The way he let Kogane lay down on his couch, his head in Kyoutani’s lap, letting him speak endlessly or just sitting in silence when Kogane didn’t feel like speaking. The way he rubbed Kogane’s back whenever he needed a hug. The way he nodded through Kogane’s venting, showing he was listening attentively. He’s a good friend. A friend. That is all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane’s crush on Kyoutani had washed over months ago, but the feelings still lingered occasionally when Kyoutani would play with his brown hairs as he laid on the couch, when he would look at Kogane with concern in his eyes whenever he noticed something was wrong, when he would smile terrifyingly when he really got into the groove of music, slamming his drumsticks into his drums. Kogane’s feelings for Kyoutani were secret, only Oikawa knows about them. He didn’t feel like letting anyone else know, knowing the judgmental or sympathetic looks he’d get from anyone in his life. Oikawa had been able to talk him through his feelings when Kogane had first realized his crush, about three months into the band. He encouraged Kogane to confess on multiple occasions, but Kogane knew he couldn’t. Kyoutani had been in love. Kogane never met Yahaba, and he silently thanked whoever in heaven was responsible for never letting him. Kyoutani gushed about Yahaba to Kogane, ranted about him, cried about him. Kogane had a small twinge of disdain for Yahaba without ever even knowing him, mostly from jealousy, but when he broke Kyoutani’s heart, the disdain grew into an unbridled hatred. Kogane has never hated anyone, especially not any stranger, but the heartbreak that still lingers inside Kyoutani was extreme. Kyoutani hasn’t gotten over him yet, evident in the ways he’s even more irritable than usual, more argumentative. Even with Kyoutani’s usual hot tempered attitude, he seemed worse than usual. He snaps a lot, and Kogae just has to sit through it, knowing that this eventually will pass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time Yahaba broke up with Kyoutani, Kogane had moved on. At least, that was what he told himself and Oikawa. But he knew he wasn’t going to act on anything. He admired his and Kyoutani’s friendship, and nothing was going to change that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Him and Tsukishima have a bit of a different friendship, there are no secret feelings of unrequited love involved, so it’s quite simpler than him and Kyoutani. Tsukishima is Kogane’s second best friend, and Kogane is Tsukishima’s second best friend, both of them knowing that neither could live up to their relationships with Kyoutani and Yamaguchi, but something about that brought them closer together. Kogane loves messing with Tsukishima about anything, whether it be his name or the way he plays bass or joking about him and Yamaguchi. Kogane is the only one who knows that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi are together after accidentally discovering them making out at the studio one unfaithful evening. Yamaguchi turned bright red and Tsukishima’s entire face was painted in fear, and Kogane was laughing maniacally. He never told anyone, Tsukishima never told him to keep it a secret, but Kogane knew he wanted Kogane to keep it to himself. So he did. Tsukishima occasionally would talk to Kogane about Yamaguchi, bashfully telling him about a date they had. Kogane is happy for his friend, he knows how much Yamaguchi means to him. It’s sweet how Tsukishima loves Yamaguchi. Of course, Kogane had to tease him about it. Tsukishima would click his tongue and tell Kogane to shut up, which he never did, leading Kogane to howl with laughter as Tsukishima rolled his eyes. Tsukishima is nowhere near above teasing as well, he always offered harmless jabs towards Kogane about how he sucks at singing that are masked with a deadpan tone. Kogane knows Tsukishima thinks he’s talented, but his “hurtful” remarks still stay, and Kogane truthfully doesn’t mind them. At the beginning, he was offended, he thought Tsukishima actually thought his voice sounded like “a cat squealing as it died” but seeing his smirk for the umpteenth time after Kogane exclaimed “Tsukki! How could you say just a thing?!” he realized he never meant it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane and Tsukishima offer each other solace through ways of quietness. Tsukishima or Kogane show up to each other’s rooms in their shared apartment and sit on one of their beds, their backs pressed together, offering nothing but each other’s presence. Tsukishima plays with his hands whenever they do this, and Kogane often hums peacefully to Tsukishima’s favorite songs to console him. Tsukishima would sigh contently upon hearing the first notes, and eventually his hands fall idly into his lap, and he’d soon get up and walk out of the room without a word. When it’s Kogane who needs Tsukishima, he offers Kogane an earbud and they sit and listen to a playlist Tsukishima has on his phone of their shared favorite artists. Sometimes, they’d listen to the playlist and Kogane would hum to the songs as Tsukishima tapped on his legs to the beat, sometimes Kogane declined the earbuds, unwanting of the silence to be filled. It wasn’t until Kogane had used Tsukishima’s phone to look up something one day that he realized he made the playlist specifically for those moments. That day he opened Tsukishima’s Spotify app and saw the playlist named “for kogane.” It made Kogane smile softly when he saw it. He closed the app and handed the phone back to Tsukishima. He never brought it up. They never speak about what was bothering them during these situations, and they never ask either. They’ve never even spoken about the practice at all, they’re just there for each other. Kogane is content with keeping it that way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t until Kogane had met Goshiki that they decided to speak during one of these nights. He had walked silently into Tsukishima’s room and sat down on the edge of the bed, Tsukishima propped his back against Kogane’s soon after. They listened to the playlist, but Kogane wasn’t paying attention to the music. He stared at Tsukishima’s dresser, at the framed photo of him and Yamaguchi from their graduation. He would smile at the sight if he wasn’t in a slump. He didn’t even hum. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Tsukishima asked so quietly that Kogane almost missed it. Kogane sighed deeply, but didn’t respond at first. He leaned his head against Tsukishima’s, who returned the touch. Kogane took the earbud out of his ear and Tsukishima paused the music, taking his earbud out as well. Kogane was amazed by how well Tsukishima knew him, knew that something was troubling him more than most things usually did, even prompting Kogane to talk about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay,” Kogane answered after a long silence, blinking slowly at the graduates’ smiling faces (or, Yamaguchi’s smiling face. Tsukishima never smiled in pictures) “it’s just…” Kogane trailed off with a sigh, not exactly knowing how to put everything into words. How could he explain what he was feeling? He hadn’t heard from Goshiki in three weeks after giving him his number, and something weighed down in Kogane’s gut. An anvil of regret and disappointment “I gave my number to someone, the guy at the coffee shop I told you about, do you remember?” He could feel Tsukishima nod against his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The one across from Karasuno? The one you first went to a couple months back?” Kogane nodded, smiling faintly at the memory. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had gone into Shiratorizawa one day to get Kyoutani a black coffee, which he was thoroughly shocked by </span>
  <em>
    <span>(“You’re so weird, Ken-chan! Who in their right mind drinks straight black coffee?”) </span>
  </em>
  <span>and had come face to face with one of the most gorgeous people he’d ever seen. His hair was jet black, styled in a bowl cut, his eyes a light brown that shined in the lights of the shop. He seemed distracted that day, when the shop was unusually busy. Kogane had walked by the cafe plenty of times, always gazing into see no customers, but a beautiful barista with a faraway look in his eyes. Kogane smiled through the glass whenever he saw him, but the barista never saw his grin, and Kogane never stepped into the shop, accepting that that was always what it was going to be. An admiration from afar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time he went to Shiratorizawa, him and Goshiki hadn’t had time to talk. The shop actually had customers, and the exchange was limited to the disgusting order of a regular black coffee that Kogane had decided to slip some sugar into anyway. Kyoutani hadn’t appreciated it, but he drank the coffee anyway. Goshiki wasn’t very friendly, but he wasn’t rude either. He was working, and it was busy. Kogane was just any other customer. They went their separate ways and that was all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second time Kogane went to Shiratorizawa was on an impulse. He was walking by the shop on his way to band practice and he looked in through the window to find that same beautiful barista, with the same distant look in his eyes. Kogane saw stars around him, saw a whole galaxy inside the small coffee shop, with Goshiki in the center. He walked in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Goshiki was an enigma, he seemed so guarded, so reserved, but when he smiled at Kogane, he could feel it just slightly melt away. The faraway look in his eyes that he always held softened as Kogane could tell he was watching him laugh boisterously. Goshiki’s amusement was beautiful. The way his eyes lit up when he smiled softly, the way he wiped the small smile of his face shyly as soon as he had realized what he was doing. The way Kogane could hear Goshiki say his name to Semi without knowing the context. Did Goshiki just say “flirting”? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Goshiki seemed to fit in the charming little coffee shop perfectly. He worked behind the counter like Shiratorizawa was his home, Kogane could see that there were chairs behind the counter, a book resting on its open pages on one of them, Semi sat in the other. Goshiki’s apron had a couple of pins on them accompanying his name tag, one of them was one of the pins that rested on the counter with other miscellaneous merchandise from the store, Shiratorizawa printed across it in big bold white letters with white lines lining the top and the bottom over a purple base. The other pin was yellow, a smiley face plastered on it. Kogane thought it was adorable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Goshiki was somewhere else. He hadn’t even noticed Kogane when he first approached the counter, his faraway gaze staring out the window as he dragged a rag over the same spot over and over. He didn’t look sad, but he didn’t look happy either. He seemed… defeated was the word Kogane decided on. He looked defeated. His expression held no strong emotion, but Kogane could read that he seemed hopeless. His head was tilted slightly, his eyebrows furrowed in the slightest frown, his bottom lip was tucked loosely in his mouth between his teeth, his eyes glazed over as he slowly blinked every so often. Semi had to call his name three times before he was brought back to reality, and he was startled, almost afraid by Kogane. Kogane knew he was staring. He knew he was smiling like an idiot, he knew he laughed a little too hard at Goshiki’s hardly funny joke, but he didn’t care. He was completely infatuated by everything about Goshiki, every movement pulled him in deeper, leading him into an unknown and dark forest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane wanted to memorize the patterns of Goshiki’s leaves as he looked up to the pockets of sunlight behind a tree veiled sky. He wanted to walk the unpathed floors and create his own paths, snaking through the trees. He wanted to befriend the wildlife and know the sounds they made. He wanted to study the flora and fauna and write down his findings. He wanted to see which sides of the trees grew moss. He wanted to delve into Goshiki, he wanted to swim in his pool of life, he wanted to become so enraptured by him that nothing else mattered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane had to text the band’s group chat</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; guyyyyssss!!!!!!!!!!!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; cute barista guy is too cute!!!!!!!! I can't take it!!!!! I think I might die from cuteness.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>ken-chan:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> That’s not a thing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>tsukki:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> This group text is for band matters only, don’t use it for this useless jabber</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>ken-chan:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> ^^</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; mean!!!!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; I’m going to see if I can get his number</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; wish me luck!!!!! </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>ken-chan:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> No.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>tsukki:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> Why would we do that</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>&gt; mean!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane smiled down at his phone, knowing his friends were actually wishing him luck deep down. In their own special way. By not wishing him luck, they were wishing him luck. He was sure. Totally. That was what was happening. When Goshiki came over and gave Kogane his hot chocolate, he was ready to even go further than just ask for his number. The topic of a date was on the tip of his tongue, pushing at his teeth to spill out. When his phone dinged again.</span>
</p><p><span>&gt;</span> <b><em>ken-chan:</em></b><em><span> Kogane hurry up. We have to get started.</span></em></p><p>
  <span>Kogane swore internally, cursing at Kyoutani for daring to interrupt this momentous occasion. He had hastily written his number down at the napkin, his handwriting more sloppy than usual. He prayed that Goshiki didn’t read that 3 as an 8.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He told that all to Tsukishima, not leaving out a single miniscule, unimportant detail, even mentioning how he saw Goshiki from the corner of his eye, watching Kogane from inside as he nearly spilled his hot cocoa on himself. He talked with his hands, Tsukishima not even being able to see his wild gestures. He told Tsukishima that Goshiki had not texted him for three weeks, not hiding his disappointment, not hiding his fear. He was starting to accept that Goshiki just didn’t like him and there was nothing he was able to do to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sucks.” Tsukishima said after a long while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Kogane sighed “thanks, Tsukki.” And he walked out, closing the door behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, Kogane’s face is being shoved by Tsukishima’s abnormally large hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get off of me, you weirdo.” He scoffs. Kyoutani shakes Kogane’s embrace off as well, crossing his arms over his chest. Kogane pouts to his most exaggerated ability.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, c’mon guys!” He whines and squirms like an overdramatic child. They both roll their eyes and Kogane can’t fight back against his grin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you at least button the jacket?” Tsukishima says, disgust painted over his face as he looks down at the leather over Kogane’s shoulders. Kogane rolls his eyes, the grin still plastered on, and he buttons all but the bottom button of his jacket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There. Happy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very.” Tsukishima deadpans. Kogane sticks his tongue out at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, it’s time for them to go on stage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>More than just electricity, a whole storm wages inside Kogane. Thunder booms in his stomach, lightning strikes from the clouds in his eyes, his entire body howls with wind and hard hitting rain. He’s ecstatic. Everything is dark when he strikes the first chord on his guitar and the crowd goes from its sea of chatter to roars of applause. Kogane’s chest is puffing out as thunder rumbles inside him, getting ready for another boom. Kogane plays on the strings again, the roar growing louder. The screams almost turn to whispers, almost turn to nothing in Kogane’s ears. Kyoutani hits once, twice, three times. The stage lights flip on. And Kogane’s storm sweeps over everything he sees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thunder cracks at Kyoutani’s fingers, every slam, every crash of the drumsticks sends rolls of thunder. Tsukishima drenches the entire venue with rain from the strings of his bass, soaking everything in a dewy glow. The howling wind is at Kogane’s fingertips, sending gusts forward into the crowd. He is in the eye of the storm. He searches the crowd, looking for the familiar black hair, for the faraway gaze, for Goshiki. The lights are too bright in Kogane’s eyes, he can barely see what people look like, but he knows Goshiki is somewhere out there and he knows he’d be able to spot him. The moshpit lacks what he’s looking for, and he tries his hardest to hide his disappointment, to let the storm take him over. So, he sings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lets out the electricity inside him, lets out the lightning that flashes through his veins and forms jagged cracks in his bones. The storm takes the lightning and strikes the crowd, strikes the venue, strikes everything the storm touches. Strikes Goshiki.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Kogane finally finds Goshiki, he’s not expecting it. His voice catches in his throat, scratching at the low tone he was singing with to make his voice higher. His voice breaks and the lightning flickers, the howling gusts of wind subside slightly when he forgets how to work his fingers because Goshiki is here. He’s here and he’s at the bar and for once, he doesn’t look somewhere else. He looks present. He is in the storm, he is living in it. Kogane can’t make out any features besides his wide eyes that are only focused on Kogane. Even in the dark of the venue, even behind the lights that nearly blind Kogane to a hazy white and yellow daze, even in the middle of the storm, Goshiki is bright. His glow is red, it illuminates his body as it hangs off his limbs in an aura. He is eye catching and he is beautiful. Kogane forces his gaze away from Goshiki and it hurts because Kogane wants to look directly at him, wants to sing to him, wants him to be the only other person to be in this room. But he isn’t, so Kogane continues on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Kogane is brave enough to look again, Goshiki isn’t watching anymore. The top of his head glares at Kogane as he looks down into his lap. Kogane looks away and doesn’t look back again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane doesn’t bother to wait for Tsukishima to leave backstage after they’re done performing. He has to see Goshiki. The storm in the venue has subsided, but it hasn’t. The storm is a war inside of Kogane, cracking, booming, detonating, striking in his heart. He doesn’t waste any time when he and Kyoutani leave the employees lounge turned backstage area, he goes straight for the bar. He has to see Goshiki. He sees him at the bar, watching the stage as someone performs, but Kogane isn’t paying attention to whoever it is. As he gets closer, he sees Goshiki is breathing heavily. When he reaches the bar, Goshiki abruptly goes straight for the crowd, not looking back. He tries to grab him, but his touch does nothing as Goshiki walks into the sea of people. Kyoutani says something to him, but he doesn’t listen. He follows Goshiki.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Goshiki is panicking and Kogane is too far away to help. All he can do is watch as Goshiki is being tossed around like a ragdoll, bodies of people keeping them away from each other. The way Goshiki is swaying, the way he can’t keep his head straight on his shoulders, the way he hasn’t looked up since diving head first into the sea of people, is enough to tell Kogane that he is drunk. Kogane shouts his name. He shouts and yells but it’s drowned out and there is nothing he can do. Nothing, nothing, nothing. He pushes past more people, clawing his way through the crowd. Nothing, nothing, nothing. He gets pushed back, he loses Goshiki, loses the back of his head. Nothing, nothing nothing. He shouts his name again. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And he finds him. He grabs him by the arm and he is running out of the venue, dragging Goshiki with him into the cold cruel air. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Kogane asks hurriedly when Goshiki looks up at him bewilderedly. His eyes are drenched in fear as he searches Kogane’s face. Something hides behind them, creeping at the corners. He looks down at the concrete before Kogane can decipher whatever it is that he is feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.” He says curtly, ripping his arm from Kogane’s grip. It hits Kogane when Goshiki's breaths are heavy and sharp, in and out of his nose. He is angry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goshiki-”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Goshiki turns his back to him, folding his arms over his chest. He looks so small. His shoulders heave with every unsteady deep breath. “Just. Don’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He starts to walk away. His back to Kogane. He’s leaving. He’s walking into the cold night, alone, drunk, panicked. Kogane hurries to catch up with him, grabbing him by the shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goshiki, you shouldn’t-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said don’t!” He snaps, turning to look up at Kogane, Kogane’s hand falling from the other’s shoulder to sit idle at his side. He’s only a few inches shorter than Kogane, but he feels so small. He looks so small. He looks so afraid and furious and alone. Kogane wants to hug him, to hold him, to comb his hair through his fingers and wash away all his fears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goshiki, you’re drunk, you’re clearly shaken up,” Kogane starts carefully, and even though Goshiki is closing his eyes, his breathing still ferocious and heavy, he doesn’t interrupt “please let me take you home, I have a car, I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t bother. I live close.” Goshiki mutters, speaking in clipped sentences. Every word has an unexplained bite to it. Kogane feels the urge to hug him again, to squeeze all the anger out of him, to never let him go. “You’ve done enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Kogane blinks. Goshiki looks up at him, his anger has turned cold, lacking any of the heat. It’s even scarier than Kogane would imagine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t act dumb, Koganegawa.” Kogane flinches at the way he says his name, like it’s poisonous. He’s never said Kogane’s name to him before, he’s said it, to Semi, but never to Kogane. The way he says it now feels bitter, sour, gross. “You know what you did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kogane blinks. Blinks and blinks. He stares at Goshiki, racking his brain, trying to think of anything he could have done to upset him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goshiki, what-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forget it.” Goshiki cuts him off by turning around again. “Goodnight, Koganegawa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he walks away. Walks into the night, into the black darkness and it’s only when Kogane can’t see him anymore does he realize he lets it happen.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i was not planning on adding kogane's perspective to this chapter (or.. at all to be honest) but it felt Right. so. boom. kogane pov. <br/>i have a whole page in my notes app with plans for this fic and i am Excited to write them</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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